At this point, the gay man is usually, but not always, out. Generally, this appears to be the longest (and for me, the most fascinating) stage of development. The shame stage is followed by the compensation of shame. Yet he remains extremely sensitive to the slightest invalidation which is met with his swift rage. So he hides his anger in a 'velvet glove' and becomes for all the world to see, the gracious friend and lover he aspires to be. The rage pushes people away from him, and with them goes the validation he so desperately craves. The author likens the enraged gay man unto a trapped animal - cornered, trembling, and snarling. Essentially, he is searching for and receiving a false rather than authentic validation that ultimately does not satisfy his need for authenticity. The individual learns to fake being straight. Not just children - adults can find themselves in this stage as well. The feelings of being unloved and flawed prevent the self from developing a healthy emotional state as it would in a 'normal' straight boy. The first stage is 'Overwhelmed by Shame'. The book is broken down into three stages of development for the gay man. With this incorrect thinking comes shame followed closely by anger, which, in turn, is directed inward. They come to believe that they are inherently flawed, unlovable, second-class citizens. They know deep down that they are different, but as young people do, they don't view that 'difference' in a positive, healthy light. In essence, young gay men have no role models in the home, no one to guide them through feelings of insecurity. As Downs points out, the gay community is truly a wounded lot.

I, like the author, would submit that the answer would be a resounding NO. We have more expendable income, more expensive houses, more fashionable cars, clothes, furniture than just about any other cultural group. As a group, we tend to be more emotionally expressive than other men, and yet our relationships are far shorter on average than those of straight men. At the same time, we also have among the highest rates of depression and suicide, not to mention sexually transmitted diseases. He states 'Yes, we have more sexual partners in a lifetime than other groups of people. From a psychological standpoint, Downs examines the shame and pain that permeate the lives of gay men and the destructive patterns and choices that gay men often make. I have found this to be perhaps the most helpful and profound book on the subject I have yet to read. I just finished The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World by Alan Downs, PhD. To this end, I have been reading as much as I can on the subject. My position is that living as an out individual (as much as I can)I am eager to learn more about this aspect of life in which I find myself. I have always held the belief that sexuality is a facet of one's life - not one's complete self-being - nor should it be. A friend of mine recently commented that she thought my comments and conversations about being gay indicated that my sexuality was becoming my whole identity.

Growing up skipper gif